Week 3: Day 7 (On Self-Affirmation)

269.0

Holy. Crap.

SERIOUSLY HOLY CRAP! I lost 5.2 pounds this week for a total of 16.1 in a little over 3 weeks! This is officially more weight lost than the last two times I “dieted” combined.

We talked in our class today about self-affirmation and self-confidence. People are always so surprised when I tell them that I’m not very confident. Sure, I can teach to a room full of kids, or jump off the high dive at camp, but when asked about myself, I’m pretty negative.

I’m working on it, and I realized today in the context of this class how much something a friend of mine said really resonated with me. (Did that sentence make ANY sense?)

When I first went to the doctor and saw that my weight was as high as it had ever been, I said to a friend that I felt like a “big fat failure.” Her response? “Hey, be nice to my friend!”

She wouldn’t have talked about me that way, and I wouldn’t have talked about her that way…why was I being so mean to myself?? I’m working on being nicer to myself… it’s not easy, but I’m trying.

We talked about other positive self-affirmations that we can have on repeat while we’re in the program. Mine was this:

courage

I may not be perfect at this… but starting and trying is half the battle.

Week 3: Day 5 (On feeling, but not looking better)

This is going to be a bit of a word dump… please excuse my ramblings.

It’s an odd thing being significantly overweight when you have a personality like mine. I’ve never been one that’s quiet, one to conform, or one to keep my mouth shut when I have an opinion. It was adorable when I was younger (so I’m told).

When I was barely talking, I knew the names of the Beatles, precious gems (my dad was a jeweler), who the “queen of soul” was (Aretha Franklin) and could bop along with any song on the radio. I knew what I wanted, and being the teeny tiny kid I was, it was cute.

In middle school, my opinionated and loud ways got me bullied. I was annoying, laughed too loud, and was always that ONE kid that had a question after everyone else had started working. I never had to work too hard to get noticed by teachers, but I wanted people my own age to notice me.

Fast forward to high school. I had friends that liked me for me and all my weirdness (Monty Python anyone?) and we spent hours upon hours watching crazy movies, eating frosting straight out of the can, and being ridiculous together. I finally had friends and needed to learn to be comfortable with myself. That wasn’t easy for me, so I started to eat… far too much.

Fast forward to college and post-college. I continued finding comfort/amusement in cooking and eating.

Yadda Yadda Yadda, here I am.

Now here’s where things get different, and I really noticed them today. I tend to forget my own size. I’m a little bit like a large-breed puppy that has no idea how big I am. Now, I do know enough to wear clothes that cover me up and loos mostly decent on most days. But, when I’m out in public, I tend to forget that I’m, as a little kid once said, “that fat lady.”

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It’s even weirder now, since I’m feeling so very much better than I have in years. I forget that while I can tell I’ve lost a bit of weight, no one else can. I’m still “that fat lady”. I was at Target today, and got ran into three times, cut off twice, and someone literally stood in the doorway, blocking my way, and didn’t move even when I said “excuse me”. I’m still the invisible chubby girl.

But that will change, because I’m not giving up on this. Someday, sooner than later, I’ll just be “That girl with the great smile”, or “that smart girl”, or heck, even “the Spanish teacher”.

My friend Kristina once put it best: I’m a skinny girl stuck inside a way-too-padded body. And I’m finally doing something about it.

Week 2: Day 7

274.2

I lost another 2.3 pounds this week, for a total of 10.9 pounds!!!!

It’s a good thing too, because this is really not easy. Sure, it’s easy in concept “just drink these shakes, eat these bars, and lose weight!” What they don’t tell you is that EVERYTHING ELSE sounds so FREAKING AMAZING

What I wouldn’t give for an omelet. Or sushi. Or grilled chicken and steamed veggies.

I’m sure I could figure out a way to finagle my calories, carbs, fat, fiber, and vitamins to work out one non-shake meal. But really, I got into this to NOT plan, and NOT cook, and to let someone else do that part so I can deal with my own issues in my own head.

Things I’ve realized:

1. over half the time I think I’m hungry, I’m actually bored or thirsty.

Every single diet book, article, or counselor I’ve seen has told me that. I’ve never actually experienced it.

2. I still don’t like chewing gum.

It makes my jaw hurt, it only tastes good for a while, and really just makes me want something else to eat.

3. Too much fiber is not a good thing.

I’m not going into details.

4. It’s a much better idea for me to eat or drink whatever product it’s time for at the right time, and deal with the questions of “what are you eating?” than to skip a product.

5. I work with some truly amazing and supportive people, and for that, I’m truly grateful!

Week 1: Day 10

276.5

Holy. Crap.

8.6 pounds in 10 days.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s officially more than I lost the last time I did Weight Watchers AND the time I did South Beach. The doctor was pleased with my progress so far, and made sure that I knew that not all weeks would be this “great”. I’m good with that, as long as the progress continues.

I’ve got a counter full of products, ready to take on my 2nd week (which will actually be 7 days!).

Week 1: Day 4

Today was absolutely, definitely easier. I don’t know if it’s that I mixed up the order in which I consumed my Optifast products (I hesitate to call it “eating) or if that it’s really getting easier. Let’s go with a good combo of both.

Today had me craving a massive helping of salmon sashimi. I don’t know why, but man, sashimi sounds good, with lots of wasabi. I guess there are worse things to crave?

It was interesting all the time we had this evening when we weren’t trying to figure out where to go for dinner, eating dinner, waiting at dinner…

I did my nails, started a crochet blanket, and we’re watching a movie in a bit. I’m still more tired than normal, but that’s to be expected. Is it possible my rings are looser?

I’ve decided on a couple of weight loss “rewards” that I’m going to indulge in:

  • an “anchor” to wear every day, to remind me to stick with it. Probably a ring for my right hand.
  • at 25 lbs gone: a haircut/style
  • at 50 lbs gone: the new tattoo I want

I’ll decide more later… for now, baby steps.

Week 1: Day 3

282.0

I went into my first class at the Weight Management center today. I was excited to talk to the dietician, and the nurse and doctor about how I’ve been feeling.

I’m still a bit dizzy, but less so than yesterday. I guess cutting 2200 calories from my diet in one fell swoop will do that to a girl.

So I walked in to the center and the receptionist remembered me from Monday and asked how my first days were going. She said she liked my enthusiasm! The nurse called me right back into the exam room and I got on the scale, not expecting much.

I’ve lost 3.1 pounds in 3 days.

Wait, what? That’s more than I lost the whole time I was on Weight Watchers last time. Maybe I really can do this…

The class was interesting, and something I’ll file away for when I prepare my own food again. The dietician was fantastic, nice, and supportive, just what I needed.

One day at a time…

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Week 1: Day 1

285.1

The scale at the weight loss specialist’s office said 285.1, and to add insult to injury, 154 lbs of that number was fat. It didn’t matter how I’d gotten here, but the fact that I was here, in this office, waiting to be seen by a weight loss specialist was what was important.

The doctor walked in, and he is ridiculously good looking. Not going to lie, that didn’t hurt.

We talked numbers, my history, he took copious notes. It was the first time in a LONG time that I felt like someone actually heard what I was saying beyond the fact that I “have trouble losing weight”. For so many doctors, it’s as easy as saying “just eat less and move more.” Yeah, if it were that easy, wouldn’t we all be thin?

I’ve finally decided to do something drastic about my weight. No, not surgery, but the OptiFast system. It’s a full meal-replacement program in which, for anywhere from 10-20 weeks, I eat pre-packaged “meals” that consist of shakes, bars, soups, and lots of water. Drastic? Yes.

But here’s my theory: I’ve spent much of my last oh, 10 years, doing not much more than thinking about, planning for, preparing, cooking, talking about, and eating food. Seriously, it’s kind of out of control. I need a reset. Will I still love food? Sure. I doubt that will ever change. But I need something “mindless” so that the journey (as much as I effing hate that term) becomes more about dealing with, as my late dad would say, “what’s between my own ears” rather than what I put in my mouth.

I’m calling this my “control-alt-delete” (especially since “open-apple-reset” is totally dated). I’m turning off the foodie brain and allowing myself to be a novice, a learner, and re-learn how to feed myself without overdoing it.

With a bag of OptiFast products and an informational binder in my hand, I set out for home, finally encouraged that THIS IS IT. One last cheeseburger, and then I’d start in the morning…

So day 1, I drank 3 shakes, ate a bar, and had a cup of soup. I’ve learned a couple things:

  • Vanilla shakes are delicious
  • Chocolate pre-packaged shakes < chocolate powdered shakes
  • The tomato soup is pretty delicious
  • Chocolate peanut butter bar is quite delicious.

100 oz. of water, and only one little bit of dizziness after sitting in traffic for longer than anticipated. My first class with the dietician is Thursday, and then I see the doctor again next week.